Nights and truth!

There is something about the dark… nights rather. It is amusing to note that a time when people are the most true to themselves is not in the shine of daylight but the darkness of night. Lust, vengeance, fear, all these emotions have same color… dark! It must be that the energy in the day light that purifies most of the night’s sins. Otherwise, world would have sunk in it.

Contradictions if you noticed, people are true to themselves in dark hours. Energy of the daylight purifies most of it. Truth is hence black, not white!

My love and bargain relationship with a Chemical

This is a small story of my love to a chemical. A few years back I had developed an amazing love for general anesthetic. It may have different scientific names but for me it was my sleep drug which I used to bargain my memories with.

I have lived a good 33 years of my life in a country which is one of the most populated. Though crowded and busy, it is one of the countries which is reasonably advanced in medical sciences, at least towards urban areas. The sad part however is that, once a common man turns a patient, he may be at mercy of many. He will have to let go of his wallet for sure. He may also have to let go of his dignity; for only almighty knows which procedures he will have to undergo, what circumstances he may be in and how many callous people he will end up encountering during the treatment period. In general, the medical fraternity there lacks empathy. This I am saying not a hearsay or notion but as an experience because I am a victim of compassion-less treatment. I may not represent everyone, this may be generalization, I agree but I had to write about it someday. Sadly enough, when empathy is removed from the ‘patient’ and ‘medic’ relationship, what remains is a ‘body’ and ‘mechanic’. You cannot expect a mechanic to be compassionate towards the broken car he is fixing. On the contrary, I suppose that’s not the right comparison, mechanics do have love their machines.

I was reading up an article called “Maintaining patients’ dignity during clinical care: a qualitative interview study.” It says, “Dignity is a core concept in nursing care and maintaining patients’ dignity is critical to their recovery. In Western countries, measures to maintain dignity in patients’ care include maintaining privacy of the body, providing spatial privacy, giving sufficient time, treating patients as a whole person and allowing patients to have autonomy. However, this is an under-studied topic in Asian countries.” More than any part, I agree with the last one. Yes, it is a rather under-studied and under-practiced topic in Asian countries. The reason again is obvious, there are ‘many’ to be taken care of… and the carers are not taken care of either.

A few years of my life I have lived as non- regular ‘patient’. Being a woman added on to the misery. I am educated and had more than average understanding of science, yet there are episodes I can recollect vividly which made me feel as an experimental guinea pig on a medical practitioners’ desk. I can imagine what would be happening to those who have no voice at all. My experience tells me that lack of compassion runs mostly at lower levels. Doctors are often fine and treat their patients as ‘another human being’ who is in charge of his body and immediate environment. I am assuming many factors influence the behavior of the other medics. Whatever, the case may be, every episode of ill treatment during a procedure remains as a sore memory in somebody’s mind. It can reach levels of paranoia, when one no longer wants to go for any medical procedures and disgusts hospitals but what can one do when there is no other option.

As I was saying, sometimes you know that there is no other option. You have to undergo a procedure you are not sure of and you don’t know how the medics are going to be in the unfortunate ward you will be shifted in. After undergoing a couple of procedures I felt that the trauma a few left behind was terrible. For days, I would feel bad and recollect all the faces I saw in the room. I would tell myself that for them I was just another patient, I wouldn’t be recognized if they see me outside. Then once, during one of the procedures for the first time I was given general anesthesia. General anesthesia is a treatment with certain medicines that puts you into a deep sleep so you do not feel pain during surgery or any procedure performed on you. When you receive these medicines, one is not aware of what is happening around. I used to remember falling asleep and waking up. The rest never occurred. It gave me a sense of false assurance. Since then, every time I heard of procedure, my first question to the doctor would be, “Will you make me sleep?” A ‘yes’ to that questions was so comforting. Though, I knew the ill effects of general anesthesia, I was alright to bargain. I fell in love with that full syringe of anesthetic. I would choose a drug against my memory but again, it was not as per my whims and fancies.

There were more episodes, a few traumatic. I wanted them to end. Thankfully for me, I could I finally make a choice and exit. Now it’s past, but however the fact that I am writing about it itself tells me that it haunts but that drug, I will love it always.

The lesser felt Gain

I wonder if this is the truth of life… I have noticed that the feeling of loss is more ‘felt’ than the feeling of gain. As in, whenever we gain something in life, may it be a new job, or excellent grades, a new house or even a new relationship, it doesn’t alarm us. Gains usually sink in. It just sinks into us and we take it as a part of our lives, something which was meant to be. One never really feels it the way it needs to be felt. Some don’t want to, they fear celebrating gain may make them loose it to soon or bring in a bad omen. People just don’t feel gain with all the happiness and joy that it commands; they think they deserved it, always.

At the same time, loss is alarming, usually a shock, unexpected mostly. It slaps you on your face and your entire being goes resisting it. They are harsh and more painful.  What can be accounted as loss? Losing a job, not making it to an interview after three successful rounds, missing a flight, a sudden death of someone close, a break up mail…You think about it, rebel, and spin a story of how it’s all wrong and such a thing cannot happen to you. In fact, losses remain in your memory engraved much deeper than gains.

This natural human conduct stems from the eternal desire for self preservation. Self preservation somewhere has to do with a certain amount of selfishness. We like to think that a little more for me will do no harm. All that I have got and will get is what I deserve, and I do not deserve loosing anything.

Inherent selfishness you may call it; human beings seek only to satisfy their own needs, motivated solely by personal interest. In economics, this mental model even has a name, it‘s called homo economicus–that defines man as a being whose production and consumption is motivated entirely by his own material gain. This was the basis for the theory of ‘rational choice’, which affirms that ‘rational’ people will always choose what benefits them, even at the expense of others. However, what makes this choice seem natural to some cultures is not its rationality, but rather the fact that the process of acculturation and socialization from early childhood makes this their first reaction. People raised in other cultures will not necessarily have the same inclination.

Again, loss pinches you only when we lose something which we so dearly were hanging on to. No one would be shocked or alarmed loosing something they always wanted to get rid of. One will be rather happy, getting rid of it/ them naturally. That is gain in fact; gain of so called peace. Self preservation again…

Going a bit deeper… The human race boasts of cooperation and altruism. Even those in its real sense are ‘Selfish’. Ponder on that!

Forget contain, I can’t even take it!

Her monologue..

The only earthly feeling I cannot contain in myself in the feeling of being REJECTED. Forget contain, I can’t even take it!

If I were to associate adjectives to myself, I would choose a plentiful. Before I list them, let me tell you that these are not words chosen by me; these are what I have heard about myself from people who were/ are associated with me in some way or other. Yes, I believe them to be true.

So here it goes… I am a charming, attractive, sexy, beautiful woman. I am considerate, friendly, loving, generous, compassionate, affectionate, romantic, reliable, resourceful, non-judging, thoughtful, empathetic, diligent, hardworking, confident, honest but diplomatic at times, fair-minded, adaptable, amicable kind. I am also imaginative and creative. How can I forget, I love making good conversation. I can get people talking and am a great listener. I am very nice person to be with!

Now, how can you reject such a nice person? Has that happened to me? Yes, it has. I have been rejected at times. I am not discussing rejection in an interview (Well, even that has happened to me just once out of five interviews I ever gave in my life). Such rejection does not bother me. I can very well take it and contain it. Rejections from people you connect with at a heart level, those are bad. Really bad…Though, extremely popular among friends and associates, I have been rejected… a few odd times. I keep wondering what could have gone wrong.  It drives me crazy when I don’t find enough reasons… or don’t get a genuine response as an explanation for being rejected.

Was it overdoes of niceness?

How can somebody reject and nice person? (Pun intended)

After the madness has settled, her wickedness takes over!!

Snap Tale

Alright then, the prompt is ‘Open the first photo album you can find — real or virtual, your call — and stop at the first picture of yourself you see there. Tell us the story of that photo.’

So, to be all honest I had to close my eyes and do an “inky pinky ponky” in the phone gallery and I bumped into this snap.


This was in Malayasia and the ladies in the snap were my team-mates from the last Company I used for work for, back in India. As you see, we got clicked while getting ready for the real click. It was a trip I forced myself into. I was… I guess, the last one to get the Visa cleared among the team of 30 who went for the trip.

The trip was essentially organized for the annual award winners. My team and I used to organize the award ceremony and all that supplemented it. As a part of the process, it was necessary for a few HR team members to accompany the winners. The interesting thing was, that time around, mostly all of us in HR made it to the trip because of last minute cancellations by actual winners. In order to not let go of the ticket slots wasted, we fitted in, a clever wicked idea by our travel coordinator. She knew we deserved that break for all the slogging we underwent to get that award event up and running. We used to call it ‘Retail Oscars’, I guess it’s still called so.

Good bargain, the trip was when I look back though at that time I was quite unsure of joining the team. I used to be a crazy employee and usually took too much on my plate and suffer later from work indigestion. An employee any manager would dream of having. A little drama and I would get stuck and make decisions which will be in favor of the organization at the cost of my time and health sometimes. However, joining that trip was just for me. I knew it was the last time I would get a chance of catching up with my team mates at a personal level. I had worked very closely with each one of them form the time the team was formed. We were called the Retail HR team, a part of Corporate but catering solely to the Retail wing. Things were going to change soon. A couple of them and me were moving to new teams.

Now when I look back, I am seriously happy about deciding to go for that Malaysian escapade. We had a good time, though we missed one of our team-mates throughout, a lovely lady who couldn’t make it because some odd Visa issues. But for that, it was a time memorable.

The entire episode taught me something too… at times you need to think about yourself first:)

Shadow of the Sword

This is for one of my special girlfriends… I am sure when she reads it, she will get the message…
Virginia Wolf writes… ‘Across the broad continent of a woman’s life falls the shadow of a sword.’ On one side of that sword, she said, there lies convention and tradition and order, where all is correct. But on the other side of that sword, if you’re crazy enough to cross it and choose a life that does not follow convention, ‘all is confusion.’ Nothing follows a regular course. Her argument was that the crossing of the shadow of that sword may bring a more interesting existence to a woman, but you can bet it will be more perilous.

Now that’s some good advice there.